he broke up with me through texting 3 weeks ago.
it was the third time in 3 weeks.
we were together for 100 days.

i was surprised but i totally saw this happening, just thought it might come later, but i was wrong.

i didn't bet him to stay like i did
didn't initiate to talk through it like i did
didn't attempt to through logics and analysis at him like i did
i decided to let it be.

he said sorry
and we stopped talking for 3 weeks.
guess it was a real break.

but until now, he still hasn't made an arrangement to pick up his stuff, clothings nor other valuables
i'll wait as there's no rush for me.

i texted him last night to ask if we can talk
he said sure. guess he will actually make it happen.

is there anything that worth a discussion?
i don't know.

he probably thinks i want to get back with him.
do i? i don't know. probably not.

do i want to sleep with him?
i wouldn't mind. we were very compatible.

do i want to know what he was/is thinking?
not necessarily. i kinda can't be bothered anymore. i don't want another 3 break-up messages in another 3 weeks time. that's just tiring. if he wants to talk to him, he would have made his move already.

did i enjoy being with him?
yes. and also no. i enjoyed being around him. he made me feel very safe and secured. but last few weeks was exhausted. i was scared to have used wrong words, tones, or any means that might have hurt his feelings without myself even realizing. it wasn't comfortable.

do i want to know how he is doing recently?
hmmm. maybe? i don't have any problems without any information about him. i'm still very happy and content regardless.

do i want a proper closure?
i guess the world already knows i am and he is single. i don't tend to do closure.

so what the fuck was on my head when i texted him "can we talk?"
i do not know!! i wasn't drunk, wasn't emotionally unstable, wasn't horny whatever. i was indeed in a very normal and mild state.

stop judging, yolo. fuck this shit

九十九歲的身軀
最後一周被供養著最高濃度的氧
呼吸繼續薄弱 喘氣喘促

直到最尾心跳靜如止水

此時為二零一九年四月二十八日 十一時三十八分

人生走到末章

除了各器材強而有力 互相交織的警告嗶聲 

病房裡一切消音 

姨媽姑姐的哭泣聲被聲示心跳續漸減弱 卻比心跳更規律的警報聲完全淹沒

世界仿佛停了下來

和我們一起默哀外公的離去

「唔準喊 阿公舒舒服服咁走係福氣黎」

外婆一聲令下

抬頭一看 發現這個女人 眼框竟然沒濕

需滲透著絲絲疲憊 卻強以有力

不虧我一直視她為女強人

一鞠躬

二鞠躬

三鞠躬

醫生來正式 或 宣判 死訊

隨你喜歡的一個動詞 反正都是已知事實

我走到窗前望望街景 淚止不住地流
傷心不再是因為不會再有個老人反覆問 你是誰 你的紋身好美 痛不痛 洗不洗得掉
傷心不再是因為他幾年來一直記不起我 一周前突然說得出我是第二個乖孫女 綺媚的乖女
迴光返照般的清醒 其實是一個警號 透切地在各人心中響

傷心是因為病房裡的氣氛再低沉
低聲硬咽開始變得震耳欲聾
街道繼續闌珊

巴士照樣行走 大廈同樣燈火通明
世界卻原來未停過

聽落看落好冷漠 沉寂 寡情

每日都有人離去

每時都有人失去

每分都有人傷心

世界卻不會憐惜

時鐘照樣運行

日子還是要過

再多的失去

過一秒便是上一秒的事 再也回不來

呼吸弱了就是弱了

心跳停了就是停了

痛惜身邊人的離去後

更該感恩最後這段日子裡

每日每分每秒除了高濃度的氧

還被供養著世上最高濃度的愛

源源不絕 

九十九年前 到今天 到以後

永久都會在我們心裡

被我們愛著

想念著

人這血肉之軀 沒現實無情

停止供血之後 尸體再冰冷也沒世界無感
無論如何 我們還是要按自己原本的速度 在這次元繼續好好走下去

——————————————————————————————————

這一切之後

外婆告訴不婚主義的我和我姐

她跟外公婚姻六十幾年

守了對方一輩子直到最後一刻

全因為愛

要相信自己有福氣會遇到個愛你疼你的人

就算不相信自己 也要相信與生俱來的福氣

前幾天她夢見外公 衣冠端正 站在她面前 非常清晰有禮

是她年輕時 愛到最後的子毅

所以她不哭 

她知道子毅心裡有她

外公的確很有福 有一群愛他的子孫 愛的一輩子老婆

是這句段對話震懾了我的思緒

愛情 只要你真心對待 放在手心呵護

每個人都值得擁有

談失眠

最近常「失眠」，晚上睡不著總會在五點多襯媽子吃晚飯前打回香港同佢吹兩句。

每通電話，她劈頭第一句：「你究竟係未訓定訓醒左？」第二句「你搞搞你個生理時鐘好喎！」

我每次都會回「我日日都訓至少八個鐘，又冇爆瘡，好健康！」

但是我次次都會想辦法將生理時鐘調回來，例如直接唔訓（雖然次次都會唔小心七點幾訓著左然後三點醒）或者食安眠藥。當然次次都失敗然後繼續維持天光訓天黑前醒。

今日沖涼係度諗，就算我早起，我日照時間下都是一樣事情都不會做。就算做瑜伽打拳都係晚上八九點才去，感覺天黑後比較好力。做功課也是如此，寫paper 日頭一個字都痾不出來，看reading不夠兩頁就獎勵自己睇條YouTube片，反而到凌晨，turbo 自動開，一晚直射2000字也試過。

我覺得最近「失眠」也許是因為在大部分人睡覺的時間我還醒著，還非常精神地醒著。我覺得這樣不符合norm，所有標籤自己失眠。失眠是一個victimize 自己的形容詞，有energy 唔想訓才是真正貼切的terms。

貓頭鷹是我的生活習慣，是我的生活模式。既然這是我的一套，為什麼我要想辦法去改變自己的生活模式，去活在世俗的norms下？我凌晨寫出來的 paper不是straight A 的質量，也不見得比白天努力奮鬥日日早睡早起讀書的人差（至少因為這個睡眠時間，我一節課都冇上過）。

夜訓不一定會熱氣不一定會爆瘡不一定會殘（至少我冇身體早已習慣這個睡眠模式），唔好好善用自己時間無啦啦通一晚頂先會。

所以講到尾，this is my way, I know myself well enough, fuck the norms.

2017 WINTER _ KO PHANGAN

2017 WINTER _ BANGKOK

2017 FALL _ PARIS

2017 FALL _ LONDON